Forgiveness, Restitution and Reconciliation

By and large, true forgiveness is becoming very rare in our culture, often replaced by something very unreal. Forgiveness is about releasing the desire to make someone pay. If vengeance is your desire, then in your attempt to forgive, you are not forgiving but only justifying your reaction to the harm. Forgiveness is associated with desiring the good of the other person. Therefore, being associated with good and the good of others, it is associated with God’s love.

Let’s consider the King of all examples of forgiveness. The King of heaven was willing to absorb all the harm of our rebellious sin and choose instead to love. He paid the cost of divine justice to take the penalty of our sin. This is forgiveness, but it must be received. If you think this is a hall pass to go on sinning, that God may forgive you when you blatantly sin, you haven’t grasped the gospel correctly. (Romans 6:1)

Restitution is a willingness to make things right, not out of coercion but as an expression of repentance. Sometimes the courts require people to make restitution. People go to court to get justice. Notice what the Bible says about Christians going to court against one another. (1 Corinthians 6:1-6) Going to court often doesn’t bridge gaps in relationships; it enlarges them. However, some offences require justice to protect others.

Reconciliation is a little more complicated. This happens when people restore good relations between each other. God reconciles mankind in Jesus Christ. On God’s side, he has removed the barrier; however, unless we remove our barrier, there is no reconciliation. He has won us to himself and the way of good and God’s love by an enormous act of love and an extravagant display of his love. God’s word instructs us with this: “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). (See also Matthew 18:21-27)

Real reconciliation occurs when both parties admit their own failings in the relationship and apologize. However, much less than the ideal often occurs in reconciliation.

Sometimes you may forgive someone, but the relationship is so toxic that you may not reconcile with that person. This occurs in extremely selfish, one-way, manipulative, deceptive and abusive relationships. Trust has been broken, and the behaviour of the other person makes it impossible to restore a good relationship. Vengeance is often disguised as acting forgiving or stating that you have forgiven. The Bible says, “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord” (Romans 12:19). We are not capable of being a perfect judge; only God is. Our own distortions and justifications cloud our perspective.

Spiritual formation by God in Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit is a “transformation of the essential dimension of the self.” (Dallas Willard) Out of the overflow of our relationship to Jesus, we are transformed and live and move from the “unreal city to the sacred land” (Thomas Merton). We move from the evil city back to the land of Eden. Our wants and desires become more and more aligned with God’s. “Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10)

When we are walking in Christ and with Christ, we are not responding to evil with evil. Jesus said we are to “turn the other cheek” (Matthew 5:39). Don’t make this illustration into a law; get the principle behind what is said. We are not to return evil for evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:21).

If we all got justice, we would be cut off from God for eternity in hell. Do you really want justice? If we want justice for ourselves against others, then justice for ourselves goes along with it. This is how God has set it up. If God could redeem us when we were setting ourselves up as our own god and acting to dishonour his name, would we not extend true forgiveness to others? If there is no forgiveness, there is no reconciliation. Often, patience is required and living the goodness and love of God in a relationship. (1 Corinthians 13) Some people take some time to walk in grace and therefore further complicate the relationship. If we don’t forgive, we will be eaten up by evil. Jesus said, “But if you do not forgive other people, then your Father will not forgive your offenses (Matthew 6:15). If we don’t forgive the offences of others, it will be difficult to accept forgiveness in general from God and self. A life of bitterness is often the result. (Ephesians 4:31; Hebrews 12:15)

Let's get forgiveness right. Forgiveness is not having a blind eye to the sin, but it is acknowledging it and forgiving from the heart, whether people ask for it or not. To forgive from the heart in the Bible is defined primarily as our will. Often, people want to move into forgiveness by their feelings, but this will is a dead end. It is by the will that forgiveness occurs, and we choose to forgive every time it comes up in our minds. Over time, the offence will fade. Forgiveness is certainly is not making the person a debtor or reminding the person of their offence. Jesus said, “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).

Reconciliation can occur when there is an acknowledgment of the offence, and there is true repentance. Then trust can be restored. The relationship can be restored. True reconciliation occurs when the offence is out of the way. Sometimes in lesser matters, this occurs with a simple apology.

People are complex, and evil is very complex. To root evil out, it takes truth, wisdom and the power of God and his grace. Let us walk in the freedom of God and his love and not in the bondage of evil. Forgive, and make restitution when appropriate and when it will not harm the other and reconcile when possible. As the Bible says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people” (Matthew 12:18).